I love Babies.

That is what I tell them, when I hug them at the same time. She's going to kindergarten soon, and he is just reaching each milestone at a superhuman speed. I love the chaos. The mornings. She's been at my side, home, home with me, always a few steps away if not climbing on me for what seems like all my life. I feel like my life started when I met my hubby, and life made sense when she came to join us. She's changed so much, she is a little girl now. And she loves to learn, and dance, she's not shy at all. And is eager to be on her way to all-day school. It's me that has the problem with that. I heard the only thing sadder than watching them grow up is not. And that is 100% true, but there's this ache it causes to clingy mommies still. At least I've got the rest of this school year to enjoy the way things have always been, and prepare myself for the new status quo. And this is me on the verge of kindergarten, imagine when she's off to college. I know how it feels for her to move inside my stomach, and her chubby cheeks and pigtails, my first look at that exquisite little face when she entered this world. I think that's what I'll always see when I look at her.

Our CDH survivor story. Cami's story.

I remember picking out paint for the nursery.  It was a light grey.  It was going to be a shared nursery and I was so excited we finally owned our own home and I was going to design the most darling shared nursery of my dreams.  I was nesting and excited.  Her name would be Cameran and we would call her Cami.  My little Cami Cottontail.  Then one night I had a preterm labor scare.  Everything had been normal.  They stopped the contractions but there was a mass on ultrasound.  Her heart was out of place.  It was her lung, a mass on her lung.  It was a CCAM they said, the better option.  We'd watch it and not worry.  Long story short through many follow ups with a perinatologist we determined it was Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.  I could spell it in my sleep.  CDH.  My heart broke, my blood ran ice cold, and I started to sweat.   I remember going home and wrapping myself in the warmest blanket I could.  I was so cold, yet sweaty and I had never felt that sensation before.  I knew this disease from research.  My days until delivery day were tough.  Enough tears and enough tense worry that tested my sanity.   This was my third pregnancy and it was supposed to be perfect.  And it wasn't.  I used to stand in my yard in beautiful Hawaii and look up at the sky.  I felt safe there.  I knew someday this would be over and I'd look up at the sky and be safe again.  I just needed this little girl to be safe.  I needed this little girl to be playing by the ocean, dresssed in pink, with pigtails in her hair.  I needed to be strong.   Luckily the wonderful man I married was strong when I couldn't be.    

This is a CDH survivor story and I'm writing that for those parents out there that desperately need me to tell you her story.  Your searching about ECMO, lung to head ratio, and all these syndromes.  Ultrasounds are intense, and you don't know how you'll get through your baby shower.   Would you rather have a good lung to head ratio?   In the words of our surgeon HELL YES!!!  Does it make any guarantees?  No.  So inform yourself and understand and at a certain point my advice is to get the hell off the internet.  Things got scary three days after she was born, after the repair.  The worst two weeks of my life.  She was out in six.  They go through so much and sometimes they have bad days.  Their body is trying to heal in multiple areas and they have setbacks.  It's not the birth story we dream of.  But it's still our story.  And we're still able to send them love and be present even though we can't touch them sometimes.  You will know that bastard called pulmonary hypertension and you just need to stay the course mom.  They in that little body are engaged in a war and they look so alone.  Well they are not.  They have an army around them at all times.  They have angelic beings we call NICU nurses and gentle doctors, or very clinical doctors fighting along side them..   I found they all gave comfort in different ways.  Cami was out in 6 weeks and did not need ECMO.  Now they call is a mild CDH story.  Isn't that funny.  Mild.  I hope this finds whoever needs this story the way I did.  Because let's be honest, CDH research is depressing business a lot of the time.  That is because survivors move on.  They are out there, a lot of them.  I'm sorry i'm 3 years late writing to you,   I searched desperatly too.  Cami is a handful and I've been so busy,  a wild child with a rebel heart.   I really hope tonight you have a peaceful night of sleep mom.   You do your part til delivery day, that's all we can do.  I wish you the best of luck and keep dreaming.   Take those maternity pictures.  My biggest regret is not.   I also had another baby, our 4th.  Pregnancy and delivery was smooth sailing.

Twenty-something

The last year of my twenties arrived today. It feels strange. People always mention how time goes by so fast, and it does. On this day nine years ago I was turning 20 and about to go on a date with a boy I just met. He was in the Air Force and was bored, cute, a bit of a workaholic, he laughed a lot. He got a second job as a delivery driver at the pizza place I worked at on the weekends. He kept telling people he liked me, to which I rolled my eyes. I had sworn off the male species. Besides, I was busy with school, work (sometime 2 jobs), friends, and lots of shopping to do. But I said yes when he asked to take me on a date for my birthday. I had sworn off boys, I must have been smoking something, well if you knew me back then I probably was, lol. I knew I would probably like him, and he'd probably just cause me all sorts of trouble. The very important part of this story is I said yes.

Now let's fast foward nine years....ZOOOOOOOOOM..(that's my time traveling sound).

And on this November 5th morning I turn 29. I sit here in a cozy home I own, I actually own a house, and I have not one but two kids. I have two kids!!! They are precious and I'd die for them. People say that all the time but I'd really die for them. I'll say that all again, I married that boy that took me out on my 20th birthday, we had two kids, and own a home...........and it's in Hawaii. I like who I grew up to be, I always wondered who I'd be at this age. I'm blessed. I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I'm a MOTHER (tears welling up now). I didn't know what chain of events I was setting into motion by going on that date with that boy. My life really started in my twenties. I plan to enjoy my last year of being a twenty-something fully. My thirties are close enough to touch, and I sure do hope they will bring as much happiness as my twenties did. I have a good feeling about this.

It's been a while.

Since I've last blogged I've found my calling. I need a creative outlet. I chose scrapbooking, collected supplies, enjoyed it when I actually did it, but never really wanted to do it. So now I found my thing. I've become an HGTV addict, craft blog-aholic, and I've discovered that I love DIY projects for my home. And making cute little things for my friends, like frames or wreaths. So clearly, I am not and was never a scrapbooker, but i've found what I like to do to unleash my creative side. And in the back of my mind I have this yearning to learn to sew. I see ballard design pillows, drapes. They cost what an organ on the black market would cost, out of my price range. So hopefully I will become good enough at sewing to make things like throw pillows, curtains, and pillow case dresses...we'll see. Right now i'm sanding down a 5$ nightstand and am going to recreate it. I hope it turns out cute. Having a 19 month old son doesn't leave a lot of time, but I really love to work on it when I get the chance. Hopefully next time I blog will be to reveal my first big DIY project.

UPDATE: it will be a little longer, seems there was a hubby-related injury to my little side table. Mental note: buy some wood glue. SIGH!!!

Sweet Autumn...........

We're settled in our house, our baby boy turned 1. Halloween is on the horizon, pretty is about to turn 5. I love this time of year. Life is good. Just got very important parts of Krissi's costume today. Our new fascination is Fancy Nancy, so I'm recreating her dress in one of the books, and scored major at the thrift store today. I've gotten on board with her Halloween costume choice. Eric is a lion, she was supposed to be Dorothy, and I was going to be the tin woman, daddy the scarecrow. My lovely October baby, my precious pumpkin, single handedly destroyed my vision, but I forgive her, she obviosly has no interest in Dorothy or Oz, I blame myself lol. My wonderful and handsome husband refused to talk some sense into her, so I've come to terms with it now. Now onto a Fancy Nancy Halloween, and birthday party. I've gotten them all pink boas, I think I'll be sweeping feathers til Christmas. I can smell Halloween, the pumpkin patch is coming up, and hope to be done in the garage so we can hopefully have a pumpkin carving party, the garage is a wreck, kinda like the junk drawer everyone has, but bigger obviously. yikes....lol. Now it's time to stock up on pumkin puree, flour, sugar and butter. And re-start insanity, so I don't just eat pumpkin bread all October. haha Oh yeah, I may end up being Dorothy myself, still not sure.

My beautiful boy is almost 1.

My first time playing around in photoshop. Isn't he dreamy. My precious boy. A year goes by so fast. And he has filled our lives with pure joy. He's my crazy wild man. So smart, and strong. And he really needs mama. He is my clingy one. I love him. I still can't believe I have a son, and he is wonderful. He also has the best big sissy in the world, who loves him dearly. I was carrying a big box, and as I passed E, she rushed to cover him. In case it fell. She was protecting him, and risking her getting hurt. My beautiful babies. I'm so blessed. And we're curious as to who else will join us in the future.

Brother above a Sea of Fog

I think it's important to feel this feeling, at least once. One pic is my little brother, the other is a painting that I always remembered to remember. Freidrich's "wanderer above a sea of fog". It's romantic, a young man heading towards an unknown future, I saw it very fitting. Picture taken by my sister, credit where credit is due.